I Write Sins, Not Tragedies!

As she stood there in front of the mirror, looking deep into her own eyes, trying to find answers to questions she couldn’t bring to ask herself. She was looking for something more than sadness and disappointment. She wondered if she could find love, envy, guilt? There was nothing she could see in those expression-less numbed naked eyes. Is that all she could feel after the warm shower she just had, the water tickling through her body, making desperate attempts to rise every feeling she has been hiding inside, burning her broken soul into nothing but yearning ashes and melting her flawless body into mere vapor. She quickly removed her bathrobe and changed into her sexiest black satin lingerie, checked herself out, and gave a no-nod, and changed into a flaming hot red one.

“He likes the blue” a lil voice in her head peeped out. She swept her hand thro her lingerie draw and saw the brand new blue ones hanging in there untouched. Checked herself once again in the mirror, gave a nod and went for the blue. Then her routine continued as usual, she went on to apply moisturizer all over skin, face, neck, hands, legs…gently feeling her skin all over..

“You know the softest part of u is where you don apply any of those” he said.. she giggled then...and she continued the application.. with a lil mischievous smile..

“Don’t wear the smile..Doesnt look good on u anymore” came the lil voice once again and she quickly wiped off the silly smile..She was getting sick of it. Sick of the sick look she been having these days, with no make up and no hair-do.. no interest in anything..she took a kajal stick and applied it generously all around her eyes.. and gave ‘em the life they been thirsty for.. felt full and complete..hit the mascara for an extra oomph..and of course dashed her strawberry gloss on the lips.. and blew herself a kiss..

“Ready to charm sweetbun?” she didn’t bother to answer the lil voice anymore..he must be home anytime…and she rushed into her perfumes to find a really seductive one.. and the best of the lot was her favourite.. the one that brings in nostalgia with just a whiff..and can take her back in time and place instantly..she felt younger and out there.. and more alive..whenever she wore it…

“Too much life isn’t good baby” her eyeballs arched towards her ear as though the lil voice came from there.. and like a sudden change of plan.. she started painting her nails…All done and she sat on the bed.. her perfume smelling all over the room.. she went into a trance.. she could attain nirvana in this setting.. all she needed was him by her side now …and of course only if the lil voice kept some distance…

The doorbell rang, she slipped into something fast and opened the door…he walked in.. she sat there not bothering him.. kept blowing her nails to dry…tryin to maintain a disinterested look on her face..while scanning him walkin up and down.. freshening up..

“Dinner?” he suddenly shouted. She nodded a ‘No’ and kept studying her nails…and started painting her toes…after what seemed like hours.. he jumped beside her in the bed.. and…. turned on the TV.. the click of which she assumed is the sound of her heart breaking.. she laid her head down and closed her eyes slowly..

The lil voice was laughing.. loud and clear.. she completely ignored it.. tried to concentrate…counting the clicks from him..

Click … click…. click…click.. click…snore…snore.. snore.. snore.. Snore…

She turned and looked at him directly for the first time that evening.. he was tired.. fast asleep.. he looked like a baby.. her eyes were tickling to water.. she looked up at the clock.. twas half past eleven.. switched off the TV.. turned off the lights..took one deep breath and walked across the room…

Checked herself thro the mirror once again in the dark… with the moonlight seeping from the window, only her eyes were seen …sparkling and glowing in it.. yet still numb.. still expression-less.. she slowly brought a finger to her lips and pressed it….a foxy smile cropped in..her eyes lit up…she gave a quick wink at herself.. tip-toed to the back door…tripping into the heels that were kept there already.. n jumped down the wall…

“Can’t wait to get into his arms eh dolly?” the lil voice giggled… she smiled back thro her eyes...”the night is still young… so are you” the voice whispered into oblivion, as she disappeared into the darkness…so long…. so long…

The Tickle

As she sat there watching the fast cars and buses pass through, she knew its going to be a long journey. The thoughts on her head were faster than those moving vehicles. She would reach the small town soon, meeting her old friends and playing those games that she could never while she stayed alone in her city apartment. As the bus moved on, the scene outside changed, the cars vanished; the sun was setting under a mountain, something she has seen only in her drawing book, back in school. Her thoughts slowed down too…School! It used to be a lovelier place a year ago.

She put her tiny nose outside the window, smelling the fresh air, she closed her eyes to calm her mind further. Last summer was fun in school, they played cricket, they jumped over walls, hide and seek, they wrestled, they even spent late nights playing ‘business’ in each others’ house. What happened? Why do the guys neglect me alone these days? I used to be their leader! This is hurting my ego bad. Am i not as cool as i used to be? As she wondered she urged her head a little out the window, making sure her mother wasn’t watching.

The cold breeze hit her hair and she felt a weird sensation down her stomach. She has been having these goose-bummy highs lately, a new feeling she doesn’t know to name, a craving to hug the pillow tight, to tickle under her own feet softly, this new high, she loved it. It made her feel guilty, to get pleasure outa something other than chocolates, cakes and ice-creams. She has a new friend - her own body and her own mind that she would like lonely time with. Her thoughts have always been plain and simple, always spoken out. In fact, she has never had thoughts that were HER own. But now she felt like a real person, someone who existed, had opinions, had ideas, an inner soul and a mind that was filled with so many WHYs! Zoom passed an 18-wheeler truck and she had to jump in, grinning at her staring mom.

Uff! Gimme a break..... I wanna be a grown up!

She laid her head back, went into deep thought, like she has never before. She has always been a Tomboy, never had girl friends and never wanted to ever. She was in complete denial that she is a SHE and that makes any difference at all. Few months back, Suresh had asked her if she had her 3-day leave already, like Seema did, like Rachel, like Preethi did. Every gal in class is taking it and you know why. She has never been so embarrassed while talking to a boy before. This time she just couldn’t answer since she didn’t know the answer either. He told her that every gal her age goes thro it and she will also one day. She decided to go to school how ever sick she is, only to avoid being questioned by him if she has got it too! Cos she is sure she will never and even if she does, the world will never know!

She got used to her body taking shape in the last one year, slowly, her ever pampering dad didnt hug her and sleep, her brother stopped meddling with her as much, she had to get dressed inside the bathroom, yelled at for walking around in her petticoat at home, her uniform looked different on her, she was getting stared at, she didn’t like any of it even a a bit. She moved her pinafore back and forth trying to hide those tiny little projections on her chest so it looks like they didn’t exist. Mom wanted her to wear that-thing-we-never-speak-of to hold her body tight, something considered ‘A” in her school conversations and the girls have a giggle over. She said a big NO cos it’s so girly and so not her. She would never be the person to wear such indecent stuff. Even thinking of it made her feel like some item number in a movie. She always seems to have opinion clashes with her mom who used to love her so much and do everything she likes, donno why she has started telling her what to do all the time, felt more restricted while she thought she would get more freedom when she grows up. Last birthday, there were balloons and cakes and games for the kids, her gifts were board games and painting sets, this year when she turned 13, her mom didn’t even want her to have a birthday party anymore.

Damn I don’t wanna be a grown up!

She has grown no taller lately, her height had stopped and her thin frame was getting bigger and she felt fat, while the boys who stood much shorter than her last year were growing tall so fast, and that was such a shame. She was feeling miserable, depressed, and unattractive to kids anymore. She felt an adult inside her body trying to possess her and was struggling hard to push her away, but in vein. Nature takes its course, you want it or not.

A few days back, one of her classmates called her just like usual. But usual used to be about science home-works and Barbie make-ups. Those geeky girly stuffs she hated! This time she made a comment that made her feel restless, hours after their conversation was over. The question went something like, “Do you think your best friend Arun likes me?’ She didn’t quite get what it actually meant. Next day at school, Arun sat next to her as always, but she felt a little different this time. She was eager to find out if Arun actually liked that girl, constantly watching his eye-ball movements and words he uttered to actually everyone else, secretly wishing he liked her instead. Watching him soon became a craze, an addiction she herself didn’t approve of.

But why? I have never looked at Arun this way ever before, damn he does look cute and is my best friend. He must be MINE! This feeling of jealousy hit her tummy for the first time ever….It felt more than mere jealousy. ..Felt like she jus swallowed a billion butterflies and they were struggling into her tummy… she moved away… she tossed and turned with little movements trying not to disturb her mom, she felt so uncomfortable, restless and then… there was a tickle ....and a drop right from under her stomach, the moment she knew she cant deny it anymore….the moment that answered all her WHYs.... but she simply was in complete denial…

Should I tell mom? Don’t think I can hide it forever, but hell no, there is in no way that she can make me wear those napkins they show on TV! She even changes the channel when those ads appear, how hypocrital! This one thing am strong about...am not every gal…She can’t force me into it…its just not for me! Leave me alone....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little does she know, the journey has just begun...

and its much much longer than her 13-year old heart can ever imagine :)

aham brahmasmi

I am the creator

I hope to create my best ever in this blog, write my heart out, this will not be a personal blog tho. I will write short stories/incidents/nothings reflecting moments/feelings/facts based on experiences i have had and heard, there mite b pure replicas, change in names, complete fiction, a mix of both or a bit of exaggeration to give the oomph to the story... but it will definitely be based on the truth...

The write-ups will be absolutely unrated and explicit, so if u have reservations, this is not the blog for you :) otherwise, go ahead, hear the truth as it is and comment all that ur heart has to say!

You never know, It could be your story too...

If ur here looking for Sansmerci

She's at
swarbrat.blogspot.com