Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Tickle

As she sat there watching the fast cars and buses pass through, she knew its going to be a long journey. The thoughts on her head were faster than those moving vehicles. She would reach the small town soon, meeting her old friends and playing those games that she could never while she stayed alone in her city apartment. As the bus moved on, the scene outside changed, the cars vanished; the sun was setting under a mountain, something she has seen only in her drawing book, back in school. Her thoughts slowed down too…School! It used to be a lovelier place a year ago.

She put her tiny nose outside the window, smelling the fresh air, she closed her eyes to calm her mind further. Last summer was fun in school, they played cricket, they jumped over walls, hide and seek, they wrestled, they even spent late nights playing ‘business’ in each others’ house. What happened? Why do the guys neglect me alone these days? I used to be their leader! This is hurting my ego bad. Am i not as cool as i used to be? As she wondered she urged her head a little out the window, making sure her mother wasn’t watching.

The cold breeze hit her hair and she felt a weird sensation down her stomach. She has been having these goose-bummy highs lately, a new feeling she doesn’t know to name, a craving to hug the pillow tight, to tickle under her own feet softly, this new high, she loved it. It made her feel guilty, to get pleasure outa something other than chocolates, cakes and ice-creams. She has a new friend - her own body and her own mind that she would like lonely time with. Her thoughts have always been plain and simple, always spoken out. In fact, she has never had thoughts that were HER own. But now she felt like a real person, someone who existed, had opinions, had ideas, an inner soul and a mind that was filled with so many WHYs! Zoom passed an 18-wheeler truck and she had to jump in, grinning at her staring mom.

Uff! Gimme a break..... I wanna be a grown up!

She laid her head back, went into deep thought, like she has never before. She has always been a Tomboy, never had girl friends and never wanted to ever. She was in complete denial that she is a SHE and that makes any difference at all. Few months back, Suresh had asked her if she had her 3-day leave already, like Seema did, like Rachel, like Preethi did. Every gal in class is taking it and you know why. She has never been so embarrassed while talking to a boy before. This time she just couldn’t answer since she didn’t know the answer either. He told her that every gal her age goes thro it and she will also one day. She decided to go to school how ever sick she is, only to avoid being questioned by him if she has got it too! Cos she is sure she will never and even if she does, the world will never know!

She got used to her body taking shape in the last one year, slowly, her ever pampering dad didnt hug her and sleep, her brother stopped meddling with her as much, she had to get dressed inside the bathroom, yelled at for walking around in her petticoat at home, her uniform looked different on her, she was getting stared at, she didn’t like any of it even a a bit. She moved her pinafore back and forth trying to hide those tiny little projections on her chest so it looks like they didn’t exist. Mom wanted her to wear that-thing-we-never-speak-of to hold her body tight, something considered ‘A” in her school conversations and the girls have a giggle over. She said a big NO cos it’s so girly and so not her. She would never be the person to wear such indecent stuff. Even thinking of it made her feel like some item number in a movie. She always seems to have opinion clashes with her mom who used to love her so much and do everything she likes, donno why she has started telling her what to do all the time, felt more restricted while she thought she would get more freedom when she grows up. Last birthday, there were balloons and cakes and games for the kids, her gifts were board games and painting sets, this year when she turned 13, her mom didn’t even want her to have a birthday party anymore.

Damn I don’t wanna be a grown up!

She has grown no taller lately, her height had stopped and her thin frame was getting bigger and she felt fat, while the boys who stood much shorter than her last year were growing tall so fast, and that was such a shame. She was feeling miserable, depressed, and unattractive to kids anymore. She felt an adult inside her body trying to possess her and was struggling hard to push her away, but in vein. Nature takes its course, you want it or not.

A few days back, one of her classmates called her just like usual. But usual used to be about science home-works and Barbie make-ups. Those geeky girly stuffs she hated! This time she made a comment that made her feel restless, hours after their conversation was over. The question went something like, “Do you think your best friend Arun likes me?’ She didn’t quite get what it actually meant. Next day at school, Arun sat next to her as always, but she felt a little different this time. She was eager to find out if Arun actually liked that girl, constantly watching his eye-ball movements and words he uttered to actually everyone else, secretly wishing he liked her instead. Watching him soon became a craze, an addiction she herself didn’t approve of.

But why? I have never looked at Arun this way ever before, damn he does look cute and is my best friend. He must be MINE! This feeling of jealousy hit her tummy for the first time ever….It felt more than mere jealousy. ..Felt like she jus swallowed a billion butterflies and they were struggling into her tummy… she moved away… she tossed and turned with little movements trying not to disturb her mom, she felt so uncomfortable, restless and then… there was a tickle ....and a drop right from under her stomach, the moment she knew she cant deny it anymore….the moment that answered all her WHYs.... but she simply was in complete denial…

Should I tell mom? Don’t think I can hide it forever, but hell no, there is in no way that she can make me wear those napkins they show on TV! She even changes the channel when those ads appear, how hypocrital! This one thing am strong about...am not every gal…She can’t force me into it…its just not for me! Leave me alone....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Little does she know, the journey has just begun...

and its much much longer than her 13-year old heart can ever imagine :)

22 comments:

Reflections said...

That was lovely.....even tho we've passed thru tht age, when we think back a few years later the memories are quite faint.
U've put them across so well!!!!!!

Renu said...

willm read it at leisure, in hurry now:)

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

nancy! i am wonderin how u got here? i jus posted a link on my other blog inviting readers from there but ur already here! wow! thanks a million for the encouragement..

and memories are never faint for me.. be it my story or what i ve heard... damn my good memory i hate it!

renu.. take ur time... b bak soon!

TessiE said...

gr8 work dear!!
the thoughts 've been sketched out well!!

Salil said...

Nicely etched is all I will say.
Regards,
Salil

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thnks tess and salil ... pls keep visitng for more :)

Shades of Grey said...

I think I will enjoy this very much...great stuff, with so much I could relate to. If you have daughters, you have your own self-help manual to turn to :O)
Keep writing, don't stop!

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thnks jane ... thats so encouragin... u do kno to write well to motivate :)

Renu said...

You have written with a great sensitivity..how a girl feels, transition from a child to a girl..lovely.

swarbrat said...

i hope i did renu

Avaludan edhirpakkum chithiiiiiiiiiii said...

hey gr8 start... so is this going to be a thodar kadhai?? if so when is the next show??

cant wait for the next one.. and btw i could sooooo relate to it.. :P

swarbrat said...

i don think so chithi... it ll b simple short scenes from ppls life, made up built up or jus as it is!

Cockroach said...

nice story,told well, just 2 days back i had a good laugh with someone, on the fear she had when she received her first love letter at the age of 12...she and her friends had a bad time hiding it and burying it at mid-night when everyone slept. ;). They were that scared of it. he he

swarbrat said...

m sure ur the one who gave it!

Cockroach said...

ha ha no way. I've never done anything other than an eye to eye proposal ;) Never written a love-letter either phewww...

LakshmiLakshmanan said...

hi sans!
Simply superb
u hav threw light on gals dark feelings. 1 of ur best post.

Cheers!

SR said...

hey swarna

Among you blogs, I think I like this one the best! I remember how I used to hate it when people stared at me....ah! those gawky years

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thnks laks n SR :) keep comin bak for more soon :D

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Murali said...

Great work!!! Expressed with lot of sensitivity.The best blog I have read till now. I am wondering Why you have not written anything after this????!!! You should write more.

Nautankey said...

i am speechless..i feel i am not even qualified to leave a comment. Simply amazing!!

the blogger formerly known as sansmerci said...

thanks murali and nautankey